I'll Drink To That, I'm Not Particular.

IF I initially reacted to this picture as I should have, I would have only contributed to the subway's already defiled state.


For the readers who also know me fairly well, they can imagine my thought processes upon seeing this...thing. You can click on the picture to see it larger, but, at first glance, this is an advertisement for a pill that would turn one into the famed and vomitous Kanye West. It can work wonders on any person, even if you are an old-ass balding white man. In actuality, this is an advertisement for Absolut Vodka*. So the pill is the vodka in reality? It's hard to say, none of this makes too much sense. The only way to tell the ad's tie to Absolut is at the top, "Available exclusively in an Absolut world". I must have simply not realized "dystopia" is synonymous with "utopia".

*This is the full advertisement in all of its animated splendor, the link to the above picture is in the lower left: http://www.probablythegayestthingIhaveeverseentherearetoo
manythingstomakefunof.com

Doctorate.

It has recently been brought to my attention that the life lesson "Nothing makes, and never will make any sense", was learned, by me, in Kindergarten.

This is evident through the names of my classmates*, the ones I remember anyway (I will add more when I return home and look at the yearbook):

Angelica (my main squeeze at the time)
Beverley (girl)
Beverley (boy)
Edler
Wolf
Gino
Vladimir


*There were no Caucasians in my class, my kindergarten was in a Brooklyn Catholic school.

Mr. Edgar Fishinsea.

An Efficiency Expert came in to my office area today...from IBM.

Rarely do I experience such an...experience, with infinite humorous undertones, become such a serious issue for the wrong people. Wrong because they are lame. Nearly everyone was suddenly worried about their job and trading horror stories about Effciciency Experts past. But people were missing the big picture. It isn't, "Oh my God, what if I lose my job?" it's, "Oh my God, how did he get HIS job?" if anything. It went from an off-hand interest of mine to an obsession as fast as Kingda Ka reaches 128 mph (3.5 seconds).

So this dude, this MONSTER, comes in precisely at the time he was supposed to, which is annoying as hell. I was far away from him during what turned out to be his first and only appearance, but from my visual, he inspired an image from my memory vault instantly. Judge Doom, from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. He actually had no likeness. BUT it was the first image to mind. Because of the underlying sinister element that is Efficiency Expert personified?

So as it turns out, I want to become a Double E. The only thing I have to work on is my punctuality, after that it's no sweat. No one would even dare be asking me the right questions, e.g., "How is omniscient efficient expertise linked to IBM?" Besides the obvious? Doesn't really matter. Who are you to question What IBM does? More importantly, what ARE they doing these days? Not really relevant either, they're probably a multi-million dollar corporation.

Hi, my name is Blankity Blank Blank, don't mind me, I'm just here to figure out exactly what it is you do here, efficiency-wise. Don't think I can't, I'm smart as hell. Just for the record it ALSO doesn't matter if I apparate during down-time. If you can at least make it appear that you are as busy as a deckhand under the command of BlackBeard, it'll be better for you, your family, your mortgage, your 401K, etc. If you catch my cosmic drift. Hey. Hey you, scribbling stuff. You're totally expendable. Don't ask me how I know that, more than likely I have no idea about your actual operation here. My integrity? How can I do this to YOU? Do you work for a computer hardware/software company who is second in revenue only to Hewlett-Packard, and has been in business since the late 19th century? I happen to know for a fact you do not. All things considered, I suppose you folks are doing an OK job, as far as I can tell arbitrarily. I'll be leaving now, luckily for yous mugs you didn't catch me at the end of the day or in a foul mood or in bad health or in any other personal condition that may swing your votes to an anti-deus ex machina and murderous thumbs-down. Seriously, don't endeavor to figure out the meaning behind my climactic smile, it's just as capricious as any of my deductions or decisions.

Submitting my application.

Indecisive Germs.

I think it is safe to say most people purchase donuts from either a Dunkin' Donuts, Krispy Kreme, or the ones that come in the Entenmann's box. However, I also understand that sometimes these places are unavailable, and so one would need to acquire their donuts from a supermarket and/or Wawa, or some other convenience type store.

The one thing that kills me though is tissue paper that is supposed to be used to to pick up donuts and pastries. I cannot conceive of a time that I, or anyone else would discredit a bunch of donuts before choosing the one they want by touching each individual one, (WITH their bare fingers, mind you) whilst muttering, "No.......no.......no.....". Perhaps going as far as picking up the pastry in question and inspecting it with one of those jeweler's monocle-magnifying-microscope things. You are buying donut, not comic book.